Reflection

Dearest Allison,

Today Mommy has been doing a lot of reflecting. This morning, I got a call saying that Great Grandma (in the Big House)'s sister passed away. You and I went with Papa to go try to life her spirits. Mommy couldn't stand seeing Great Grandma cry. That loss. that pain. It got Mommy thinking entirely too much.

Also today, one of Mommy's friends posted a link to a memory book for their daughter, Paige. Paige is a beautiful little girl. She was born December 31 of last year. She has lots of pretty dark hair and long fingers/toes just like you. Due to an issue with Paige's umbilical cord, Paige went straight to heaven rather than spending time here on earth like you.

I know you and Paige would have been best buds. I could always picture you two having sleep overs together, pulling on kitten's tails together, cruising the loop on Sunday nights during the summer together, getting in to trouble together. Obviously God had a different vision for Paige-- Mommy doesn't really understand what God's vision is right now. Hopefully some day Mommy will be able to answer that question.

Mommy's heart breaks for Paige's parents. Allison, I've spent hours just staring at you and thinking about what they're going through. It moves Mommy to tears.  My heart hopes that looking at you/pictures of you doesn't cause them pain. I know you'll be a constant reminder of their daughter. You two should be about the same developmentally. You two should be in the same grade level of school, you two should be taking your first steps at about the same time, you two should both be here. Mommy really wants you to know about Paige.

I can't imagine my life without you, my dear. I can't imagine not waking up during the night to change your diaper and make a bottle while you're screaming at me cause you are 'starving'. I can't imagine not being sleep deprived. I can't imagine not getting those snuggles when you're fighting being sleepy. I can't imagine not feeling your finally place your head on my chest when you give in to your exhaustion. I can't imagine not having to monitor the diaper and wipe situation to make sure we never run out. I can't imagine not having the poop-splosions that result in a dip in the tub for you. I can't imagine getting to time my potty breaks around your schedule.

You aren't yet able to say "I love you, Mommy", but that look in your eyes when I'm feeding you a bottle says those words clear as day. You've shown Mommy a whole new level of love. I have this new found, constantly growing love for you and also a much deeper love for your Daddy. You're starting to stir so I'll wrap this up for now. I love you, peanut.

<3 Mommy